Frustrated glamour model from Essex: "Can I get an iPhone 4,  please?"  -  "I know it's the middle of the day, I look too young to have a baby, too tanned to have class, too sweatpants to exclude myself from the lower categories inflicted to sweatpanters, but I am a human in need and I need the Angry Bird! Right now!"

Not up for me to judge, is it? Who the fuck am I?

Frustrated human from London: "Are you employed at the moment?"  - "This is just procedure. I know you're not, because I am, and I am paying taxes, therefore loads of people in England can just raise their children to be footballers and refurbish their home council state after they're famous."

Frustrated glamour model from Essex: "No." - "You can read people better than this, bitch, I am an English young mum with no manners, I obviously don't have a job and I clearly have no vocabulary, so I won't bother saying more than three words at a time to you. Innit doesn't count."

Frustrated human from London: "Are you renting at the moment?" - "So irrelevant, I apologise."

Frustrated glamour model from Essex: "Council house."  - "Like no one guesses when they look at me. And my baby. The state is just providing for the most beautiful need in the world, procreation."

Performing credit check...

Obviously passed. She's got money in the bank every week, innit? She can go for a £45 a month contract with insurance for her new expensive phone! INNIT?

Fucking despise the Benefits system.